Illusion
by CF-fanfiction
Summary: A look into the grief, the denial, the frustration as things gradually spiral out of control. A look into the beginning of the end. (rated for angst, depression, slight trauma, character death)
1. Yami: Pain

**Chaos:** Ok, I'm gonna say it right here and now; this story scares me. I have no idea WHAT I was thinking. What else can I say? Enjoy, flame if you will, and I hope nobody gets any permanent psychological damage. I'm enjoying not being sued right now, thankyou very much. (grin)

**Flower:** Well, I wrote it late at night, so... draw your own conclusions. I don't care. Much. Heheh. Apologies for how long this is.

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**ILLUSION**

**by Chaos Flower**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

I glare a lot more lately, though I guess I was often glaring. It gave an illusion of self-confidence, you know? That I was indestructable. It made people cringe.

But, hey, everybody has weaknesses. And not everybody is an idiot. It's only a matter of time before somebody comes along and says, 'Hey, he's so cool but... what about so-and-so that he really cares about?'

Story of my life. Well, not really. I don't remember half of my life. Oh, I'm glaring again. If I'm not careful someone will come ask if I'm ok. God forbid, if I hear those words one more time I may have to-

"Are you ok, Yugi?"

Aaaargh!! I just want to rip their eyes out and say, 'Are you completely BLIND?! I'm not Yugi!! Look, see, I'm a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON, you idiot!'. Oh, if only we didn't look so similar.

I don't even know why I bother anymore.

"I'm fine, Tea. What's wrong?"

_Broken, this fragile thing now  
and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces.  
And I've thrown my words all around,  
but I can't, I can't give you a reason. _

My voice is twisted, my smile fake and transparent. Come on, I'm practically jumping up and down in front of their eyes! I never realized everybody was so blind. They see what they want to see.

But Tea knows. I can see it in her eyes. She's not like the others, all going, 'why's Yugi so different suddenly?'. She can see who I really am. But - and this makes me so mad - she doesn't say because she wants things to stay how they are, with me and my fake identity, because nobody wants to accept that I'm not really Yugi at all.

"Oh, it's... it's nothing. Yugi."

There we go again. She says the name 'Yugi' separate, because she knows it doesn't fit. I walk away. She's a clever girl, but - stupid stupid stupid - she'd rather have me suffer than reveal to everybody else what's actually going on.

That's what I thought too at the start, I guess. When I heard his grandfather's voice outside the Puzzle, so scared, and all his friends, and everybody all waiting for little Yugi to come back...

It'd taken them long enough to worry. I'd been staring blankly at him - his body - all night before they realized that perhaps Yugi wasn't going to wake up. Then I heard all their voices and I don't know, I guess I was thinking something stupid and heroic like, 'I owe it to him to be strong for his friends'.

Idiot, idiot, idiot. And, yes, that's me I'm talking about. Everything is so much worse now. Tea doesn't even call after me, and I round the corner. Gone. Safe. Alone.

I'm always alone.

I was never alone before.

I can glare all I want now. It's not enough. I turn and punch the wall, and it relieves some anger, but still not enough. And I have to stop, or I'll hurt myself and Grandpa - _Yugi's grandfather - _will be worried.

It's scaring me, how I keep using those little phrases. Am I turning into him? That's not what I wanted.

I don't know what I wanted.

Nothing's been clear since it happened, and I looked down at him and thought, 'Right. Well. That's it. He's gone.' I felt nothing. I bet doctors could mull over it for hours and eventually come up with some lengthy explanation of shock and trauma but-

Why is everybody so BLIND?!

I scream it at the sky, all worry about someone overhearing disintegrating into raw emotion. God, I can't take it anymore! I'm living his life, and NOBODY HAS EVEN NOTICED!!!

_Here I go  
scream my lungs out and try to get to you,  
you are my only one.  
I let go  
_

I step out of my skin and look back at myself. I'm clawing at my hair, fair twisted with hate and underlying sorrow.

Is this what I've become?

It's so obvious that I'm not Yugi. Look at me; would Yugi ever scream like that? Would he kick the wall and scream obscenities at the sky like that? Well, I don't know, because I was always there to do that for him and-

Oh, here come the tears again. Hooray. Since when did life become so warped?

I miss you, Yugi. I miss you for every second that I smile at your friends, for every moment I lie awake in bed, for every time I hear somebody call me by your name.

I miss you so much it hurts, and I stop eating because I never had to before...

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!!!

_I feel so broken up (so broken up),  
and I give up (I give up),  
I just wanna tell you so you know..  
_

Why? It's a question I've asked many times before. Why me? Why _you_? What point has this to serve? Am I supposed to go mad, because it sure looks like I'm going to at this rate because I'm losing my self control so fast and I can't keep pretending like this because everybody's so blind and I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe-

Oh. I'm calm again. And it's hours later, and the moon shines through the bedroom window at me.

Hmm. That keeps happening.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_next day_

I hate the birds.

They sing and fly, free and happy, all the time. They can escape. I'm stuck here, tied down by everybody and all the pressure they put me under. I can't stand it.

But you already knew that.

I'm in another calm phase, thank god, sitting by a tree in a field somewhere where I can be alone. Funny; whenever I'm with people I long to be alone and, now that I am, I just want company again.

Sigh.

The birdsong hurts my ears, and I find myself missing the Puzzle again. Not the actual thing - it's round my neck, same as always - but the soul room inside it. So quiet and peaceful. I can't enter it anymore, not since Yugi died.

Ooh, look, there, I said it. He died. He's dead. And hey, no tears this time. Yay me.

Sigh.

I'm going to start walking again. I can't bear to stay in one place for too long. I wish it would rain - of course, the sun is shining full strength, spitefully - then I could be depressed around other people and nobody would really notice.

Nobody notices any of the small things - why is Yugi suddenly taller? Why does he look slightly different? - but one gloomy expression in public and I'm buried in concern. That's what makes it unbearable.

"Yugi! Hey, Yug'! Can you even hear me?"

I cringe. Just when I was beginning to feel a bit free.

"What is it?"

Joey is out of breath - he must have been searching for me for some time. I wonder what he would do if I just told him to get lost? But then there would be more concern, and soft words, and hurt expressions, until I lost it and tried to kill someone.

"I've been yelling for the past five minutes, Yug'. Are you completely deaf all of a sudden?"

I turn away. I'm sick of pretending.

_Made my mistakes, let you down  
and I can't, I can't hold on for too long.  
Ran my whole life in the ground  
and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone._

"Yugi? What's wrong, man?"

What do I say? I can't put on a false smile anymore, it's too sickening. I can't say what I feel like saying. I can't do nothing, or he'll get worried.

Compromise.

"Nothing's wrong, Joey." But I don't smile. What a lie. The frustration is rising again and we've barely been talking for two minutes.

"You seem so out of it lately, that's all. I've been talking to Tea, and she agrees. It's like you're a completely different person since the accident."

I turn to look at him. Does he see, too? Is he testing me? I can't read his expression. I used to know him so well, but now everything's blurred. Nothing fits... I've been staring for a while now, I have to answer.

Why is every conversation like a marathon?

"What am I supposed to say?"

Oops, I said that out loud. Ah well, his turn now. Let's see how he reacts. He looks down and closes his eyes for a minute, either struggling to find a response or struggling to say it.

We're both sinking now. I want to be alone again. No... what I really want, is to be alone with Yugi again. I was never _alone_ alone before. Wait, did I say that already? Well, that makes it twice as meaningful.

"You're..." he chokes on the words, "...you're supposed to say what Yugi would say." Then he turns and walks away.

_And I know,  
you can see right through me,  
So let me go,  
and you will find someone._

I don't follow him. Instead, I turn away, and carry on walking. This is only a small field; I could probably circle it ten times before I have to get back home. Back to _Yugi's_ home.

Curse those birds.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

**END**

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**Yu-gi-oh! and all affiliated characters and trademarks are copyrighted to Kazuki Takahashi. This story is unofficial.**

**Song lyrics; _Only One_, by Yellowcard**

**Reviews are appreciated.**


	2. Tea: Sorrow

**Flower:** Whoo, a second chapter. Unbelievable! This anti-climax angst is really my thing. It is depressing though. Anyway, there will probably be a third chapter too - I need to do Joey's perspective. And then god only knows. Ryou? Tristan? I have yet to decide. Oh, also, for those who care; _kodoku_ means solitude. Just a little more of my Japanesey inserts. Heh.

**Chaos:** Apologies to anyone who is upset, offended, or shocked by this story. I write what I write. This takes place at the same time as the first chapter, but isn't as long, sadly.

**Silently Broken -** Thanks! Well, to my eyes it didn't really sound like Yami so... yeah. (sweatdrop)

**Shibby-One -** Wow! Yay, I love over-analysts! (grin) Anyway, I love how you came up with all those theories. Hopefully this will over-complicate things for you - Joey and Tea are very cryptic later on. Hmm. (laugh)

**kitkat -** Yes, I know. I wrote as it came out and it just happened to be Yami I picked on. So it doesn't really sound like him. There always something wrong with my stories. (sniffle)

**WEIRD **- Hey again! Why aren't you guys ever on Messenger? Anyway, see above. I am duly ashamed and... hey, wait... (rechecks review) Uh... yes! His personality changed because of grief! Yes! (shifty eyes)

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**Illusion**

**Chapter 2**

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I can't dance anymore; I never have the full concentration I need. I feel sick for worrying. Worrying for him; I can see him falling a little more every day.

I'm scared of what will happen when he snaps. I'm scared of what will happen when he finds me. I can see him blaming me, whenever he looks up; his gaze is just a little more intense, a little more hostile, than before.

He always had a serious, focused look, but since _it_ happened, it's turned into a flat-out glare... and he doesn't even try to hide it anymore. I don't remember when he last smiled.

There he is now, standing by himself, next to the fountain in the central square. I can see the glare getting worse even from this distance. Call it a sixth sense of mine; I can tell when people are annoyed or angry, even without looking. I can feel it.

And, right now, it's telling me to run for it. But I purposefully step towards him; I need to try and snap him out of it, even if only for a minute, before he reaches the inevitable breaking point.

I keep on acting, and it's becoming an even thinner line to tread. I can see grief slowly twisting itself into hatred in his eyes. Those eyes, that used to smile at me, that still send a little tingle down my spine sometimes.

Yugi's eyes.

_When I look into your eyes, I can see  
Life has buried you alive  
Waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me  
You can't breathe  
_

"Are you ok, Yugi?" I've used those words so many times now. They're losing meaning, especially when I get the inevitable response...

"I'm fine, Tea. What's wrong?"

He's glaring daggers at me; it's gotten worse. It won't be long now before we'll have lost him altogether... I have to talk to the others.

I just don't know what to say.

"Oh, it's... it's nothing. Yugi."

Even saying Yugi's name hurts. Especially when I see his eyes cloud over and grow dark. Hiding any emotion. My sense is practically screaming at me now, screaming at me to run because he looks like he wants to kill me.

It's funny how someone you love can be so scary. He turns and walks away, somehow controlling himself. He's clenching his fists.

I feel even worse than before. I can't keep doing this. I have to tell _someone_.

I don't call after him, because I know he'll scream at me. In fact, I know that he's probably going to scream anyway. I've heard him a few times now, just by chance, when he thinks he's alone.

I suppose he really is alone now. Now that his friends have deserted him, and keep telling him to pretend, and make it all better. How could I hurt him like this?

_When I look into your eyes, I can see  
Such a sad man in disguise  
Waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me  
Hurts my heart to hear you cry_

I snap out of my thoughts to see that my feet have carried me to the _place_ again. Where it happened. Where we lost Yugi. Where we lost them both. I keep ending up here, whenever I slip into my thoughts. I wonder if I'm falling too.

Joey's already here. Surprise; he generally steers well clear of it. I think he suspects something lately - he's more distracted too. But when we're around _him_ he boosts up the cover, trying to reassure himself, trying to get proof that it really is Yugi standing before him. He's always disappointed, and it makes it worse for... for him. Pharaoh isn't really a name.

"Joey!" I call, waving from my side of the road. He waves back and then crosses towards me - looking both ways, of course. He's been far more cautious since _it_ happened.

"Tea. What's up?" his eyes smile at me distantly. He's not annoyed, more... sort of... bewildered.

"I... I need to..." I shake my head. This always happens. Just when I'm about to reveal my fears, something stops me. Like how the others might react. How it might make it worse than it already is, God forbid.

He waits patiently. I take a deep breath and try to blurt it out.

"Do you think Yugi is different since... since it happened?" He immediately changes; a sort of gloomy air appearing around him at the mere mention of the accident.

"Well, I dunno. He's probably just shocked, that's all." His voice has an undercurrent of desperate hope. It makes me want to cry.

"Joey... I don't think... I... I think we lost Yugi." The words are limp and sad. They sound wrong to my ears.

"Hmm." he replies, looking down. He folds his arms defensively before continuing.

"Perhaps you're right. I... I don't know, Tea. I don't want to lose him." his voice has the same weak quality as mine. We're both edging away from the painful words. Like death.

"Neither do I... but I think it's too late, Joey. I think we need to stop pretending."

This sounded so different in my head. It sounded okay.

It didn't make me want to cry.

He turns away from me, then finds himself staring at the dreaded road and turns back, averting his eyes from mine. "I'll talk to him." he says finally, before walking away. Hmm. All my conversations lately seem to end this way.

I walk away too; I have to get home. I have homework, and my room needs tidying. Normal, ordinary things. I can't hide from my thoughts while doing them.

Those eyes... there used to be a spark in them. A spark for me, a certain fondness that he couldn't hide. Yugi saw it too; he even tried to encourage it...

We could have been something. But fate twists everything in ways you couldn't imagine.

_I don't know you anymore, wish I knew what's wrong  
Can't we try to slam that door, start a brand new song  
I know you're lonely and you cry, wondering why  
I know it's lonely but if once, you could help me understand  
_

Oh no, I'm crying again. And I'm not home yet, someone might see! I run for it, arriving out of breath and still sobbing slightly. I can't stop the flashback. We were all so happy that night, and his smile - ah, that was when he last smiled - still lingers in my mind. Smiling at me, his eyes sparkling fiercely through the flashing lights.

The school dance...

No! I have to fight it. I can't bear to see it again. Not again.

Suddenly the phone is in my shaking hands, and I know exactly what to do. My fingers tap out a familiar number. It only rings a few times, thank god. No time for my memories to retaliate.

"Mrs. Kodoku? Yes, it's Tea. I want to quit the dance team."

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**Yu-gi-oh! and all affiliated characters and trademarks are copyrighted to Kazuki Takahashi. This story is unofficial.**

**Song lyrics; _Drifting, _by YellowCard**

**Reviews are appreciated.**


	3. Joey: Denial

**Chaos: **Would you believe it, this story lives! I really do apologise for the first chapter; characterization is my new thing, and I can't read that chapter without cringing. Grr. Anyway, it's Joey's turn – gotta feel sorry for him. (grin) As always, the timescale is messed up; this takes place after Tea's chapter, but half way through Yami's chapter. If that makes any sense to you. Heh.

**Shibby-one – **(gasp) Rest in Pieces? That song is the lyrics in a later chapter! How did you know? (sweatdrop) I love that song! And you're right – they can't keep denying it. That's the theme of this chapter, actually… how do you keep doing that? Anyway, thankyou for the wonderful review! (hug)

**WEIRD – **I say nothing. (grin) I can't give it away just yet! But it will shock you… I think. As for Seto… well, well, well. I'd really better shut up right now. As for the God problem, I'm trying to fix it! It's sort of automatic to leave a small 'g'. (sweatdrop)

**Butterflybg – **Actually, I considered starting over, but then everything suddenly sorted itself out. If you need to know, the story will cycle around Yami, Tea and Joey, but the other characters make occasional appearances. As for the evil heart… I figured if I killed Yugi at the start, I wouldn't feel it so bad. But then I got in a macabre mood, and wrote the scene where he died, and… hehe. I love him really! (sweatdrop)

**Kitkat – **No mistakes? Can it be? (gasp) Anyways… I'm glad you liked it so much, and I hope this chapter is as good!

**Darkmetaldragonfangs – **Aaw, thanks! I love those little things likes birds and denial that get repeated often. I'm glad you liked this so much!

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****

**Illusion**

**Chapter 3**

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Ok. I can't put this off any longer. Tea spoke to me yesterday, she'll be expecting me to have spoken to him by now. But where is he? I've spent the entire morning looking for him.

He's not in any of the places he hangs out normally. Though, if what Tea was implying...

Hey, I'm not stupid. I may act it sometimes, but I don't deny the truth when it's staring me in the face. And either Yugi's suddenly completely different, or we really did lose him that day. But then... who's my best buddy now?

At first it was ok. He was slightly odd - wanted to be on his own more - but we all disregarded that as shock. It seems stupid now. Denial - as I'm learning the hard way - is the most predictable of human emotions. (I heard that in a movie once)

The funny thing is, at first he reminded me of... well, it sounds stupid... he acted as though he was duelling all the time. I mean, not actually challenging people and throwing cards this way and that, obviously... he had the same confidence. The same - I don't know - inner strength. He moves differently; calmer, quieter. Though I put that down to shock at first, too.

It seems strange to think it, but I'm getting more and more convinced that there are - were - two Yugis. The friendly one, my best friend, and this other one - the strong one. He's my friend too, but lately... I really have to talk to him about this.

_You're too important for anyone,  
You play the role of all you long to be,_

_But I, I know who you really are,  
You're the one who cries when you're alone,_

There! I've found him. In this field behind the school. He's just getting up - I wonder how long he's been alone here?

As my suspicions grew, I tried to talk to him more and more often; by this point I can almost predict his responses. Let's see... first, he won't hear me calling. Then, I don't know, he'll probably be either withdrawn or aggressive.

I call his name. No response. Looks like I'm right...

I'm starting to hate being right.

"Yugi! Hello?" I yell again. I'm out of breath - I've been looking for him for ages - but my voice is still plenty loud enough, I'm sure.

"Yugi! Hey, Yug'! Can you even hear me?"

He looks round! Result! Or not. He looks worse than usual - not exactly withdrawn, more... sick. Ill. This conversation is going to be... interesting. "What is it?" he asks dully. Huh, that's a fine hello! It's like he can't wait to get rid of me.

Though if my theory if right, and provided that the two Yugis knew each other - I can't believe I'm saying this - then he has every right to hate me. And everybody else too. We've been forcing him to be somebody he's not, somebody he's most probably missing a lot.

Yugi a schizophrenic? I must be going crazy. But, well, the things I've seen in the duelling arena, all this stuff about the Shadow Realm? I'm starting to think that anything is possible...

"I've been yelling for the past five minutes, Yug'. Are you completely deaf all of a sudden?" Argh, it always goes like this. I'm trying to get Yugi back again... why can't I talk to him for once! Yugi is gone. Gone.

Denial. Corrupting everything... we should be comforting each other, not sticking our minds into a little pretendy game where nothing went wrong. Most predictable of human emotions. No wonder we're such a messed-up species.

"Yugi? What's wrong, man?" No! No, bad brain! I have to force out the right words... oh, God knows I'm useless at this. Why couldn't Tea do this instead of me! But... I suppose she already has. It's the rest of us that are keeping up this illusion.

_I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands  
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone_

_I can hear you in a whisper  
But you can't even hear me screaming_

"Nothing's wrong, Joey."

Denial. It's surrounding us. Right, this time I will say the right thing.

"You seem so out of it lately, that's all. I've been talking to Tea, and she agrees. It's like you're a completely different person since the accident."

I take a deep breath. That was near enough - he's intelligent enough to see through it. I wonder how he'll respond? He turns back to stare at me searchingly. I wait. Come on... help me, here... tell me I'm right. I hate being right, but anything's better than this...

He shakes his head. "What am I supposed to say?"

The death-blow. Yugi would never say that - he would shudder and say not to talk about the accident, or something - and the impact is like a weight falling on my shoulders. He really is gone. This... other-Yugi... is all we have left. And we're losing him. I look down and shut my eyes. I want to be sick.

"You're..." My voice is oddly strangled. I can't keep this up. "...you're supposed to say what Yugi would say."

There. I've admitted it. Out in the open. In your face, denial. Oh, but it hurts... I don't think I can bear to see the expression on his face, and before I know it my feet are carrying me out of there.

_You think that I can't see right through your eyes,  
Scared to death to face reality,_

_No one seems to hear your hidden cries,  
You're left to face yourself alone,_

You're supposed to feel better after this kind of thing, right? Well, whoever said that is a liar. I feel like somebody's tried to use a can opener on my heart. Why did this have to happen to us! What did we... what did Yugi... do to deserve this? It was only the school dance. None of us did anything wrong.

Tristan met a new girl - Mino? Miho? Something like that - Serenity tried to teach me how to dance. (No success there, sis'. Joey Wheeler is not a dancer) And Tea and Yugi - or was it the other Yugi- spent the entire time staring at each other. Both in denial, even then, when it was funny to watch it.

Nothing wrong there, is there? So why? Why this? Why us!

Life isn't fair.

_-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_

**Yu-gi-oh! and all affiliated characters and trademarks are copyrighted to Kazuki Takahashi. This story is unofficial.**

**Song lyrics; _Where will you go_, by Evanescence**

**Note: **Miho was a character in the original first series of Yuugiou in Japan. Unfortunately, the show never made it this far, and Duel Monsters took over. (Probably because Yami was quite the violent spirit back then – set people on fire and turned them insane and the like.) Anyway, Miho and Honda (Tristan) had serious crushes for each other, as I gather. So, voila! I incorporated her into the story, just because I felt like it. And she has purple hair. (grin)


	4. Yami: Loss

**Chaos: **Mass Easter Update time! (grin) Well, it's Yami's turn again, and I've done my best to sort out the characterisation. This chapter is more miserable and kinda worrying than anything. I'm not sure exactly how everybody's going to react. Oh well; Happy Easter, everybody! Review responses!

**Flower: **Hey, did anybody actually know the movie quote last chapter? (Denial. The most predictable of human emotions). It's from the Matrix; Reloaded. (giggle) I just thought I'd slip it in and see if anybody got it. Anyone?

**Shibby-one – **Well, sorry to say, but I'm going to keep you in the dark a little bit longer. There's almost no reference to what happened to Yugi in this chapter, though there is the token illusion comment. (grin)

**Kitkat – **Well, Joey occasionally acts vaguely smart, so I enlarged upon that. In a big way. Give me a break; how am I supposed to write anything good from Joey's point of view? I like him, but he can be a bit clueless… I had to use the Matrix quote to give him a boost on the psychological front. (sweatdrop)

**Darkmetaldragonfangs – **Aaw, I don't really want to make people cry… I didn't realise it was that powerful! Well, I'm glad you liked it – in a sad way – and thanks for the beautiful reviews!

**WEIRD – **Well, it takes place after Duellist Kingdom, sorta… it's really rather AU. I quote Joey, 'well, the things I've seen in the duelling arena, all this stuff about the Shadow Realm?' And that's basically the only reference you get. So I may be able to slip Kaiba in somewhere… (grin) … actually, I do have something planned for him. Ssh!

**Butterfly – **Well, I wish I could bring him back – I even considered it – but I aim for this story to hit a chord because it could actually happen. In the sense that your best friend dies and you start losing it, not that you share a body with your twin. (though that would be kinda cool) So, sadly, I guess I can't bring him back. I'm dithering towards a certain horrific idea, though…

_-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_

**_Illusion_**

**_Chapter 3_**

_-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_

I'm leaning against a brick wall. Somewhere. There's a cold breeze, and it blows my bangs into my face. I don't care. I feel detached, separate from myself, treading air.

_I never said I'd lie and wait forever,  
If I died we'd be together,_

And if I really concentrate, I can just about feel the smooth golden stone under my fingers, smell the faint tang of sand in the air. I can almost see the dark passageways, the comforting, familiar shadows and winding stairs.

And I can almost sense him there in the centre of it all, arms held out to me and laughing, telling me that it was all a joke, that he was never gone for a second and I was being silly to think that he would ever leave me alone.

But there's only the rough cold brick beneath my palms, and the smell of a humid pressure that comes when it hasn't rained for a week or more. My eyes are shut wistfully, but the illusion is gone - swept away in the cool breeze.

He's not waiting for me; my soul room is empty, abandoned by both the souls that once trod there. I'm all alone. There is no joke. No bad dream. It's all just an illusion.

I'm lost. And not only in the physical sense, far from home. Lost without him; I'm not meant to lead his life. My own purpose is swallowed up by the pretence, by the endless sick fantasy I have to live with. I hate this. I hate it all. I hate everything!

_You are,  
Never coming home,  
Never coming home,_

I'm dimly aware of punching the wall, a ridiculously small blow against the cement's mocking strength. It always goes like this; similar thought track, similar violence, similar hate.

Because hate is all I have left, and it helps an infinitely small amount, deadening the pain and the sickness, and making me feel alive with the passion of it. But then again, it's like a drug; it soon fades, and the wasteland left behind is worse than before.

Vicious cycle. The world must be testing me, ripping away everything I care about and laughing at me, lying in the gutter, trying to pick up the pieces that are slipping through my fingers like silk. Pieces that stab like daggers as they fall away, so that my hands are cut and I don't want to try again for fear that they'll hurt me even more than before.

The sick loneliness is the worst. Something that nothing outside my mind can cure, that has nothing to do with my feelings. Because I - we - got used to supporting two souls in one body. It was exhausting at first, but gradually the new effort transformed into a welcoming presence, a comforting warmth, like a heavy coat that you get used to the weight of and miss when it's gone. That's how I feel; alone, cold, and oddly light. I drift away once again...

Gasp. Draw in breath. Come back to myself.

_And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever ever..._

It's always like this. Where am I now? How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? Days? I keep detaching myself, leaving my - his - body on autopilot, but the empty void is no better than the real world, because I'm still alone and it's still cold. There's no comfort anywhere.

I'm sure this is supposed to scare me.

It's surprising how little I care - this should be dangerous, I should tell someone, I should do something about it. But what's the point, when it makes no difference to what I feel or how I act?

I know this place... I've been here before. In a different world, in a different time that's so far from today. Outside the side exit of the school, with the steady thump of the music in the night and the warmth of two souls.

A crisp packet tumbles past, caught by the breeze, playing its part in the desolation. This is all like some over-exaggerated tragedy film - at any minute the hero will dissolve into grief, fall dramatically to the floor and cry at the sky for respite, the music will climax and lightning will crash emotionally in the background.

Hah. This world is too washed out and quiet for such things, and life never works out like a movie with a happy ending and the lost one returning from beyond the grave, the hero healing and resurrecting the broken shards of friendship.

Nothing works out that way. Life won't stop and wait for one person.

_Ever...  
Get the feeling that you're never  
All alone and I remember now_

I sigh. I have to break out of this depressing philosophy, break the monotony and think straight for once, forcing my mind onto the false tracks that I've taught myself to follow.

I can go home now that I know where I am. Grandpa will be worried, and I have homework to do, probably. I guess I must be hungry; I'll apologise for being away, then make a sandwich and go to my room to write essays and work out maths problems with the meagre store of knowledge I've built up.

While I weep behind the mask.

_  
If I fall…  
If I fall…_

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**Yu-gi-oh! and all affiliated characters and trademarks are copyrighted to Kazuki Takahashi. This story is unofficial.**

**Song lyrics;_ Ghost of You, _by My Chemical Romance**

**Reviews are appreciated.**


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